Post by Roland of Gilead on Jul 21, 2008 14:55:00 GMT -5
Although largely uncovered, satire columnist Dave Barry, who co-founded the garage band "The Remnants" with Stephen King, is running for President. His command of the issues is quite apparent, and you can actually go to his column and post a question for him. Here's his positions on the issues from just today:
_______________________________________
The real presidential front-runner
Dave Barry
McClatchy Newspapers
Dave Barry is running for president (yes, of the United States). He is currently leading every single poll by a wide margin, although you will read nothing about this in the so-called "mainstream" media. You can, however, find out where Dave stands on the issues by reading this Q&A, which consists of Q's submitted by actual humans (we think) followed by Dave's answers.
Dave updates this Q&A regularly, so check back often. You can also visit his official Web site. Or, you can do something productive with your life. But we don't recommend this.
Most Recently Answered Questions
Questions 1 - 15 of 2738 (Page 1 of 138)
Q: Why is it that when we are children with perfect eyesight, our books have humongous type, but when we grow older and our vision gets worse, we have to read materials set in miniscule type?
Submitted by Kathy from Hermosa Beach, CA
A: Whatever you wrote there, I agree with it.
Answered 07/21/08 15:45:43 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, when elected president, will you still be writing for the Miami Herald?
Submitted by John from White Sands Missile Range, New Mexico
A: I don't expect the presidency to interfere with any of my current activities.
Answered 07/21/08 13:56:42 by Dave Barry
Q: There are accusations that the press corps "fawns" around Barack Obama. What do they do around you?
Submitted by Crit Ick from Center for New Media
A: Mostly vomiting. But in a positive way.
Answered 07/21/08 13:55:21 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, what's it like having sex with a Gladiator Frog?
Submitted by Wilbur from Power Cable, Nebraska
A: The really impressive part is the way they light the cigarette afterward.
Answered 07/21/08 09:43:44 by Dave Barry
Q: So, Dave, If you're elected, will our dreadful educational system still be under the "No child left untested" system or are we doomed to keep learning useless information that will never apply to most of our lives like... oh, say, triganometry?
Submitted by Eilidh *Ellie* Hanra from Paris, Tx
A: I am in favor of banning any mention of the "cosine" in our school classrooms until somebody provides photographic evidence that it actually exists.
Answered 07/21/08 09:41:25 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, both John McCain and Barack Obama recently visited the state of New Mexico. Will you visit us soon? We have a choice of both red and green chili! Will you take Bill Richardson with you when you leave?
Submitted by Bill Mader from Rio Rancho, NM
A: There's a state called "New Mexico?"
Answered 07/21/08 09:39:36 by Dave Barry
Q: As president of the United States, how will you bring liberals and conservatives together?
Submitted by Ron from Scappoose, OR
A: Drugs. Moral persuasion.
Answered 07/21/08 09:37:21 by Dave Barry
Q: HI DAVE, I'M BILLY MAYS, FAMOUS TV SPOKESMAN. I CAN'T SPEAK AT A NORMAL VOLUME, NO MATTER HOW BORING AND POINTLESS THE PRODUCT I'M SELLING IS. DAVE, WOULD YOU CONSIDER LARRY KING AS YOUR RUNNING MATE?
Submitted by BILLY MAYS from
A: I think that, legally, the vice president has to be alive.
Answered 07/21/08 09:36:16 by Dave Barry
Q: Aren't you tired of congress whining about the price of gas? As president would you force all those jerks on the Hill to get off their greasy fat butts and focus on really important issues? Like baseballs on steroids? Wouldn't a few more months of that spectacle get the country on the right track?
Submitted by HypnoToad from Elk Snout, ID
A: I think they should hold hearings, chaired by Chuck Schumer, where they accuse oil-company executives of using steroids.
Answered 07/21/08 09:34:21 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, do you agree that we have become "a nation of winos?"
Submitted by Manny O'Manisch from Thunderbird, NY
A: Are you going to finish that?
Answered 07/21/08 09:32:24 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, when will my new iPhone work?
Submitted by Woz from Cupertino, CA
A: Your call is very important to us.
Answered 07/21/08 09:31:52 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, did you really think that The Aristocrats were the best act to open your campaign rallies?
Submitted by Bob Saget from Atlantic City, NJ
A: It was them or Madonna, and we decided to go classy.
Answered 07/21/08 09:28:40 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, have you ever engaged in any naked shorting on Wall Street?
Submitted by Dick Grasso from New York, NY
A: I was young, and I needed the options.
Answered 07/21/08 09:27:46 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, did you interview any howler monkeys, I mean any potential cabinet secretaries in Costa Rica?
Submitted by Jock Mahoney from South Boston
A: Howler monkeys would make excellent government officials, because of their tendency to express disagreement with critics by defecating on them from trees.
Answered 07/21/08 09:27:05 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, what advice would you have for me in dealing with Jason Taylor?
Submitted by Jim Zorn from Washington, D.C.
A: Let him lead. Especially during the tango.
Answered 07/21/08 09:19:39 by Dave Barry
_______________________________________
The real presidential front-runner
Dave Barry
McClatchy Newspapers
Dave Barry is running for president (yes, of the United States). He is currently leading every single poll by a wide margin, although you will read nothing about this in the so-called "mainstream" media. You can, however, find out where Dave stands on the issues by reading this Q&A, which consists of Q's submitted by actual humans (we think) followed by Dave's answers.
Dave updates this Q&A regularly, so check back often. You can also visit his official Web site. Or, you can do something productive with your life. But we don't recommend this.
Most Recently Answered Questions
Questions 1 - 15 of 2738 (Page 1 of 138)
Q: Why is it that when we are children with perfect eyesight, our books have humongous type, but when we grow older and our vision gets worse, we have to read materials set in miniscule type?
Submitted by Kathy from Hermosa Beach, CA
A: Whatever you wrote there, I agree with it.
Answered 07/21/08 15:45:43 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, when elected president, will you still be writing for the Miami Herald?
Submitted by John from White Sands Missile Range, New Mexico
A: I don't expect the presidency to interfere with any of my current activities.
Answered 07/21/08 13:56:42 by Dave Barry
Q: There are accusations that the press corps "fawns" around Barack Obama. What do they do around you?
Submitted by Crit Ick from Center for New Media
A: Mostly vomiting. But in a positive way.
Answered 07/21/08 13:55:21 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, what's it like having sex with a Gladiator Frog?
Submitted by Wilbur from Power Cable, Nebraska
A: The really impressive part is the way they light the cigarette afterward.
Answered 07/21/08 09:43:44 by Dave Barry
Q: So, Dave, If you're elected, will our dreadful educational system still be under the "No child left untested" system or are we doomed to keep learning useless information that will never apply to most of our lives like... oh, say, triganometry?
Submitted by Eilidh *Ellie* Hanra from Paris, Tx
A: I am in favor of banning any mention of the "cosine" in our school classrooms until somebody provides photographic evidence that it actually exists.
Answered 07/21/08 09:41:25 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, both John McCain and Barack Obama recently visited the state of New Mexico. Will you visit us soon? We have a choice of both red and green chili! Will you take Bill Richardson with you when you leave?
Submitted by Bill Mader from Rio Rancho, NM
A: There's a state called "New Mexico?"
Answered 07/21/08 09:39:36 by Dave Barry
Q: As president of the United States, how will you bring liberals and conservatives together?
Submitted by Ron from Scappoose, OR
A: Drugs. Moral persuasion.
Answered 07/21/08 09:37:21 by Dave Barry
Q: HI DAVE, I'M BILLY MAYS, FAMOUS TV SPOKESMAN. I CAN'T SPEAK AT A NORMAL VOLUME, NO MATTER HOW BORING AND POINTLESS THE PRODUCT I'M SELLING IS. DAVE, WOULD YOU CONSIDER LARRY KING AS YOUR RUNNING MATE?
Submitted by BILLY MAYS from
A: I think that, legally, the vice president has to be alive.
Answered 07/21/08 09:36:16 by Dave Barry
Q: Aren't you tired of congress whining about the price of gas? As president would you force all those jerks on the Hill to get off their greasy fat butts and focus on really important issues? Like baseballs on steroids? Wouldn't a few more months of that spectacle get the country on the right track?
Submitted by HypnoToad from Elk Snout, ID
A: I think they should hold hearings, chaired by Chuck Schumer, where they accuse oil-company executives of using steroids.
Answered 07/21/08 09:34:21 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, do you agree that we have become "a nation of winos?"
Submitted by Manny O'Manisch from Thunderbird, NY
A: Are you going to finish that?
Answered 07/21/08 09:32:24 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, when will my new iPhone work?
Submitted by Woz from Cupertino, CA
A: Your call is very important to us.
Answered 07/21/08 09:31:52 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, did you really think that The Aristocrats were the best act to open your campaign rallies?
Submitted by Bob Saget from Atlantic City, NJ
A: It was them or Madonna, and we decided to go classy.
Answered 07/21/08 09:28:40 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, have you ever engaged in any naked shorting on Wall Street?
Submitted by Dick Grasso from New York, NY
A: I was young, and I needed the options.
Answered 07/21/08 09:27:46 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, did you interview any howler monkeys, I mean any potential cabinet secretaries in Costa Rica?
Submitted by Jock Mahoney from South Boston
A: Howler monkeys would make excellent government officials, because of their tendency to express disagreement with critics by defecating on them from trees.
Answered 07/21/08 09:27:05 by Dave Barry
Q: Dave, what advice would you have for me in dealing with Jason Taylor?
Submitted by Jim Zorn from Washington, D.C.
A: Let him lead. Especially during the tango.
Answered 07/21/08 09:19:39 by Dave Barry